What Is Mine
by sometimesiwonder722
Summary: The diary of John Proctor, briefly documenting crucial moments of his life in his own words.
1. Chapter 1

Now that this whole fiasco is finished to a point- Elizabeth and I both are set for death- I realize now that perhaps I _was_ at fault. Not completely, of course. That blame rests directly on Abigail Williams- who, now, I shudder to think of. But anyway, I was not a godly man completely even before all this happened- and I have no shame in admitting that, now.

I was not kidding when I cried to the court that 'God is dead.' Here in Salem, cruelty reigns- and day after day, I see the evidences of it. People have been hanged already, and more are set to every day, including me. Lies and terror are what rule, and we all have fallen captive to that- including me.

But I am not a bad man. I know that. I am not a bad man- I have made mistakes in my life, far too many than I can count, now, but regardless I still have good left in my heart. I was lost, but I still love- I love Elizabeth, and I love myself, and I love God. God sees my mistakes beyond the mask of lies that has been placed on me- and it is for that reason that I sit here, alone in a dark cell. I am a good man, and lies to not rule me.

Lechery and disobedience and my own lies are what grace my plate of sins- and I will not deny any of them, not in front of myself, or Elizabeth, or the Lord. No- I admit them here and now, for my mistakes are my own and there is no hiding them. But I still rest my case that I am a good man- and inside of me there rests something more, something hidden that I have never let out. I can love. I smile when I see the sun, and I pray and I laugh. I am not a bad man- just the opposite. My moral standards, perhaps, do not live up to the code of the town of Salem and the church- but in my own way, I live a life of holiness. I go my own way, my own path, and follow my own heart through God- even if that means I do not follow the course prescribed directly by the Church.

Regardless, I am _not_ a bad man. I wish the world would believe that. Sometimes, I think that simple fact is all that keeps me sane here.

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**Please review. There are 3 more diary entries to follow.**


	2. Chapter 2

I told Elizabeth today. I told her the story of my life of lies- and I told it to her face, with only a bit of fear shining in my eyes. It was quite an accomplishment, I think, to speak so calmly of something I am so ashamed of.

I sat her down and whispered quietly, at first. I will admit now that I was scared- scared not of her, she would never hurt me- but fear of rejection. Now that seems silly to me- for me, the one who betrayed her trust, the one who actually betrayed her completely, to worry about her rejection of me? The irony in that simple thought nearly shakes me now.

"I have something to tell you, Elizabeth." Were the simple words I used. Her small smile nearly broke me then- for I find her so beautiful, so perfect, that when I think back I wonder what my mind was thinking to turn away.

Her smile, though, disappeared at my next words, just as I had expected it to. "I… it pains me to admit this, Elizabeth… I have not been faithful to you lately."

The room was deathly silent as I waited for her response, and suddenly the top of the wooden table seemed very interesting to me. I stared at it as if it were my lifeline, the one thing that could- would- keep me stable here on Earth, while her gaze bore into me with sadness and also disgust.

"Not faithful, John?" her voice was low and dangerous, and I grimaced beneath my wave of hair. "Please don't tell me that means what I think."

"It does, Elizabeth." My heart broke as I said those three words, and once again I wondered how I could have possibly been so foolish. At the time, it had seemed for the best to have an affair with Abigail Williams- a young, beautiful girl, I had to admit- but now, when I saw my lovely wife, broken my unfaithfulness, I felt horrible. I knew I had been swept up in the moment and by Abby's seductive charm, but after those first few moments it had been completely of my own free will. That in itself was the part that hurt me the most.

Her silence was, I think, worse than any words she could say. It took me a long time to gather the courage to look up at her- and she was staring directly at me, her eyes wide with grief, her face streaked with tears.

Against my better judgment, and against my own fear, I rose and went to her. She rose also and stared up at my face, not speaking, only crying silently. It was in that moment that I really feared rejection- but I am a strong man, I know this, and I reached over and embraced her gently. I could feel her chest heave against mine in a silent sob, and I stroked her hair. I could feel a tear running down my own cheek.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, waiting.

Her response came late. "It's too late for that, John."

I pulled away, looking at her teary eyes directly. "Do you mean that, Elizabeth?"

Her answer was hesitant, and it was from that that I drew my small bit of hope. "You betrayed me, John."

"Can you forgive me?" My plea came out sounding pathetic, whiney. I didn't care.

"Yes, John. But not now." She pulled away from me and walked slowly up the stairs, her shoes making booms on the steps. I watched her go, and then sat down again, leaving myself in my own broken silence.

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**Please review. Just as a note, these aren't really in any order.**


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